I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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