You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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