Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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