Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
