the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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