I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
