I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
