Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
