It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
