I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
