I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
