she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The beer is more important than you right now.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
