your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The Olympian is in my bed
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
