Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
