He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
