Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
