Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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