There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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