my phone needs a breathalizer
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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