well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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