Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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