We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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