I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
