dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
