My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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