don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
