Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
