Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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