friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
