I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
