OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
