Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
