I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
