When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
