I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
