my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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