you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
a search helicopter?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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