I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
