There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
