i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
