Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
