I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
