Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
