I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
