I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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