he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
