just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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