i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just cropdusted the office
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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