I'm pants shitting drunk right now
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
