That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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