you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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