Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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