On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
