I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
