When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
